toxic tinted glasses

My sister sent me a post today that struck home like a million bolts

It said that “when you look at someone from rose colored glasses, its funny how all the red flags just look like flags”

As I read it hit home with the force of the untamed sea collapsing onto the shores

Nothing seemed to describe my addiction to you better than those lines

How each time you would burn me, I would come back for more to self destruct like a moth to the flame

All I could associate with love was the unshakable feeling of pain

The numbing void of being devoid of love felt comfortable like home

I saw a video a few days ago, it described “how to know that you are dating a toxic person”

As I heard the voice of the illustrator, all I could manage was a sigh, chuckle and a scoff

It felt as if someone was narrating my life to me in a stance

That thought and day weighed heavy on my mind like a hangover the next day

How could I have not seen the signs from afar ?

I laid my head in submission to someone who knew how to make sure I could never lift it in defiance of transgression for my self respect

My hands are shaking as I type now reminiscing your ways, oh master of manipulation, subjugation and pain

How you nitpicked all my insecurities and fears and played them into your mind games

As you yanked the threats tagged deep in my heart harder until I broke apart in your hands so that you could play the part of a saviour and deceive my soul with your vain

The sadistic pleasure you achieved by watching me self harm each time a part of my identity you didn’t approve of yet again until I shed my very being

Little by little the ashes of the vibrance of my soul floated away from my body as you rendered me lifeless

Obsessing over ways to win your love and acceptance back, not knowing the lack of it for myself had been my achilles heel all along the way

You hacked the loathe for self as you saw through my eyes into my soul with your calculating chilling gaze

Self hate and inability to feel deserving of love was what you saw in my eyes as you wiped the tears marred by hues of pain

Each and every fight and the accusations leading me to chalk up newer reasons to loathe myself, just as you planned to

Now people look at me and tell me I look lifeless and all I can manage is a sigh or two under my breath

Only I know the nightmares I suffered to reincarnate myself apart from you

And now as I untangled myself from your mirage and web of deceit and lies

I now see clearly that I never needed your love but only my own dearly.

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