To hold on or move on ?

This qualm inducing quarantine has got me thinking

Obsessively and constructively, about my triggers and traumas that often have me sinking

Into the deep dark devoid chasm of reminiscence and repentance

A constant burden looming upon my conscience and sentience

A regurgitation of all suppressed feelings and memories escaping the shackles of my control

A subsequent feeling of defiant vulnerability creeps up onto my soul

Until there’s nowhere to escape but to make peace with your own thoughts

And as I sat mourning, attempting to uncover and decipher my past patterns and what it is that I really sought

An overwhelming feeling of witnessing and encountering the past in its vivid memories that catch up with me despite the effort to escape it with all my might

I had to jolt myself out of my downward succumbing spiral and chase away my resultant fright

Taking deep breaths to resuscitate my asphyxiated mind, looking up at the sky and remembering it was much bigger than my plight

I let the rays of the sun radiate through me as I plead for revival of my very being by its absolving purging light

And in that moment all I felt was my searing skin from the burning away of my accumulated accommodated layers over the years

The monumental fall of the tall walls I had built around my heart as a means to cope with the memories smeared and tainted by my fears

In that moment all I felt was an unacquainted ethereal sense of freedom wherein all the pain I clutched onto so desperately became obsolete

A triumph bestowed upon me becoming my greatest feat

But as I opened my eyes, I felt the familiar twinge on darkness creeping upon me, lurking and luring with its old ways

But this time around I didn’t want to succumb to its familiar embrace as I now knew how it felt to be illuminated so there was no going back come what may

I realized that by trying to hold onto my traumas and its memories as a means to not let any such instances or occurrences repeat

I had turned myself so devoid of emotions that a lack of any just felt clinically neat

While trying to cope with my past traumas I’d forgotten that to be able to heal I must first accept and then release

Which was when the realization struck me that by living in the past trying to distance myself from any anticipated harm in the future was only causing my growth to cease

That is the day I formed a resolve to forgive all those who have hurt me irrevocably even after loving them alike my kin

That even though I never received an apology for all the damage done, I couldn’t hold onto it as that would only lead to their treacherous win

I cannot hold onto the hurt any longer, I only wanted to make space for the lessons learnt rather than the pain

This time around I didn’t want to wallow in my sorrow but to forego my trauma and try to remain sane

The time had finally come to chose my own healing and growth rather than let their conduct annihilate me

I chose to reunite with the unfettered essence of my childhood and live each day to break the curse and finally set myself free.

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