For the longest time

I thought I wasn’t worth a dime

I thought of you as my greatest mistake

Seldom realizing that it was pain blocking my vision for my own sake

The harrowing trauma I have been left with adorn me like battle scars

All I wanted was to escape the suffering so I held onto all my memories mar

Not knowing that while trying to preserve the lessons I learnt as cautionary tales

I was unknowingly perpetuating all my coping mechanisms to recreate the same state of pain in the name of learning from my mistakes, alas all I did was fail

I tried to move on while still being stuck in the past and it’s stains

I could feel my intuition cursing me for going against it’s say and being the sole reason for all my pain

It took time, space, tears, strength, self worth and love to bring me back from those dark dreary depths of guilt that was not mine to bear

I can now accept without a sharp pain in my chest or a lump in my throat when I say this

Your incumbent inclusion in my life was the best thing that happened to me

But it was not you, it was the things I learnt from the lessons you left me with that I still cherish

You brought to the surface my hidden self hate by mirroring my own actions

And only when I could see the ugliness of your demeanor did I understand what I had been subjecting myself to for the longest time unconsiously

Only when my self worth was so broken did I realize what really was worth fighting for

It was not the relationship I had with you but the one I had with myself that was going to help me sail through

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