Bend over backwards

I have always had a penchant

Of betting on men who I knew were indifferent

I have always had a pattern

Of expecting affection from men who I knew were incompetent and yet I didn’t learn from such disappointments rather I continued to yearn

I have always had a preference

For men whose minds were as stimulating as their conversations, which is how I justified the obsession to my own deluded sense

I have always had the propensity

Of attracting men who were generous with their minds but never with their souls

I have always been prone

To have men fancy the mind and body but never really look deeper into my soul

I often ponder as I fall further down the slippery slope and spiral out of control

Am I really the cause of my own misery and downfall ?

It is then I get a rude awakening as I monitor my own chain of thoughts

That yet again I’ve slipped into the coma of blaming myself for the lack of intention and effort put across by such men

And that is when I know I cannot fall back into my old patterns of trying to keep a man involved mentally and physically but still never know how to ask for more

I am done compromising the authenticity of my soul just to garner the fleeting affection from men who would rather be inconsistent and blame it on others

I know I need to let go of my fears and insecurities that hold me back from feeling fulfilled by my own as I nourish my soul.

The journey beyond is hard but as long as I vow to put myself first, I’m sure to get by loving myself alike the kind I expect from others.

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